You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach? That Monday feeling? Well it’s returned. I’m currently lying in bed after having a few days off really hating the idea of heading into the office tomorrow.
On a positive, I’ve been doing some research into my business idea this weekend and even started to put a little bit of money away to buy tools. I’ve invested a little bit of my salary this month and with the help of people in Facebook groups, online videos and research I’ve put together a wish list of the basics I need to kick-start my business project. It might take me a few months to get everything from the list (it is quite extensive) but I should be able to start practising in a few weeks. All baby steps to do something I love, rather than continue to be treated like shit.
I shall keep you updated on progress and give you a sneak peek into my purchases when they arrive.
For now though I must try and remain as positive as I can.
I’ve attempted to write this post three times, got so far and then deleted it. I’m in one of those moods.
Another weekend of doing nothing and going nowhere has been and almost gone.
Wish I could wake up tomorrow morning, jump in the car, skip work and take myself away.
I returned to work today to the same old crap. There’s a lot of restructuring going on at the minute and lots of redundancies. Thankfully I’m not one of them, but our new site manager wants to give me an opportunity (and hopeful payrise!) but he’s asked me what I want to do? Sadly I don’t think being a lady of leisure is what he means, but really, how do you answer that? Seriously?
I went for a new lead position a few months back and got turned down due to “lack of experience” and I know he wants me to naturally slip into that role, but I’m not sure that role is what I want anymore. I don’t really know what I want. It’s not like I’ve been given a load of Job Specs and been told to pick the one I like the sound of, I’ve literally been given free reign within my capability…. But what is that exactly?
Anyway, the drive home from the office with C wasn’t pleasant. As much as I love him dearly he just doesn’t get my workplace or environment and instead of giving advice, he tells me what I should do, like he could do it better? I shouted that at him as I marched out of the kitchen and disappeared up to the bathroom for a cry.
Didn’t have dinner. Felt like I had a migraine coming on, so took two ibuprofen and have been in bed since 8pm.
Tuesday tomorrow. Oh joy.
I’ve been off work for the past two days with a migraine, I’m feeling absolutely wiped out by it so I will probably hold off from returning tomorrow and just take the long weekend to fully recover.
C got home about 7pm, which is late for him. We’re still not talking, or should I say I’m not going out of my way to start a conversation so we just sit in silence.
I just don’t have the energy right now. I’m heading back to bed with my Audiobook.
Turn off the light, she said
I’m going to bed
I don’t wanna talk right now
I’m turning my head
If we could go back to where we first started
I would go right now
Remember the days before this all started
It’s got me thinking how
This was the weekend of romance, of making plans, of being together. This was the weekend our daughter went away with school and we got some quality time as a couple.
Oh how wrong was I.
We’ve not left the house since Thursday night. We’ve watched TV and hardly spoken.
Why is it that if I don’t make arrangements to do something or book to go away somewhere we don’t do anything? Is it wrong of me to expect him to organise something every once in a while?
It’s his birthday next month and I’m seriously considering selling the Bears Den tickets I’ve bought him as a surprise.
So in reality I’m a crap blogger. I promise and never deliver. I might change this whole setup.
Today we are fighting yet again.
When there’s that one meme that you can relate to more than any others….
So this is it, the very last time I say I’ll start a ‘New Me’ tomorrow. Tomorrow IS the New Me!
No longer will I be chauffeured to and from work. I have bought my weekly bus pass, my Fitbit Versa will be fully charged, primed and ready for the week ahead. I have made plans for one of my girlfriend’s to attend our local ParkRun this coming Saturday (with our kids in tow) and even though we may only be able to walk it, we are still doing something, right?
I’m spending today working on a food menu for the week and plan to do my Ocado shop shortly. I’m also planning on hitting bed by 10.30pm – Lights out and waking up at 6am for a 30min workout and breakfast with a view of hitting the gym 5 times a week.
I’m determined to do this!
I’m scared right now to step on our Fitbit Aria scales, the dimpled legs and bottom I see when I look in the mirror make me almost sick to my stomach. It’s not cool. I honestly can’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and felt happy with myself. My mental headspace is not a good place right now and I need to be proactive and do something about it.
I’ve been awake about 45mins and I’ve done the usual, make a brew and watch Sunday Brunch. I’m toying with the idea of either heading to the gym to walk on the treadmill, or head to the beach for a power walk. My relationship with C at the moment is a little strained and I know he’ll be disappointed that I’m choosing to go without him, but I think I need the time to myself. To powerwalk and think about the changes I need to make for myself and in turn our relationship.